The statement was innocent enough, but it felt like the end of the world to me. My boss said, “I think you should ask Colleen to update my calendar from now on.” I felt a rock in the pit of my stomach. I admit that I have made a few mistakes on her calendar lately – inserting appointments at the wrong time or on the wrong day. I guess I should have been expecting this, but I was not and it hit me hard. The calendar feature on the program we use gets very distorted when I enlarge it, so I have been using it at normal size. It is difficult for me to see it clearly and put appointments in the correct boxes.
Inputting calendar data is certainly not my favorite part of my job. On one level, I should not mind giving up this mundane task. My job is filled with many interesting and exciting challenges, tasks I enjoy doing much more than filling out a calendar. But on a deeper level, this is hard. This request is a first for me. No task has ever been taken away from me because I could not perform it. I have never failed at anything at work. It feels devastating, like the beginning of the end. Is this the way it is going to be – lose task after task until I no longer have a job? My boss is wonderful and supportive, but I am filled with fear about the future. The reality of living with low vision is hitting home.
I think it is best not to think too far into the future. Perhaps this is as bad as it gets. Maybe my upcoming low vision evaluation will reveal some tools that will help me. Anything can happen. For now, I will give up this one task and continue to do the rest of my job. I am good at my job. I can adapt most tasks so that I can perform them. I want to find the appropriate balance between being aware of problems and dwelling on them in negativity. Being aware of problems will help me find solutions. Negativity will just make me hopeless and bitter. I choose to be positive, realistic but not pessimistic. I acknowledge this as a loss and admit that I am sad. But I won’t stay in this sadness. I will focus on the things I can do and find the joy in that.