Head down. Head down. Head down. Head down. The refrain is constantly in my mind. I spent all day yesterday with my head down. I kept waking up in the night, catching myself sleeping on my side and reminding myself that I have to be on my stomach. This is all so that the gas bubble in my eye can press on the back of my eye, where they removed the scar tissue. How much I keep my head down will determine the success of my surgery. So, of course, I am obsessing about keeping my head down. Right now I am lying on the couch with my computer on the floor beside me, so that I can keep my head down while I write. Only a few days, I tell myself.
I have four different eye drops to be taken throughout the day. Only one of them stings, the rest feel soothing. When John puts the stinging one in my eye, I stomp my foot on the floor, We have made that part of the instructions. Place on drop in eye, stomp foot on floor to acknowledge the stinging. I get that drop three times a day. One eye drop is the same antibiotic drop that I get after my Avastin injections. That one is four times a day. I don’t know what the stinging one is supposed to do, or what the rest of them are for. I will have to look them up sometime. I feel fairly broken as I lay here, blind in one eye, receiving my eye drops. For some reason, this has made me think about heroes.
I keep thinking about the character of Eli in the movie The Book of Eli. He is intent on his goal of bringing The Book to safety. He is focused on this goal. He has honed his abilities so that he is aware of everything that is happening around him, almost before it happens. It is only near the end of the movie that his blindness is revealed. Why are blind people so often portrayed as having their other senses heightened? Eli is an extremely positive character (ok, maybe a little too violent), a hero on a worthwhile mission. Unlike Eli, I do not have, and never will have, superpowers. Like Eli, I feel a sense of mission. My mission is just to share the message that the world is full of grace and beauty. That no matter what happens, love will prevail. Eli had the only copy of his book. Luckily for me, there are many people in the world who share my same message. I don’t have to be a hero or have super-heightened senses, because I am not alone. But it’s nice to have a hero like Eli – blind and brave – to think about and draw some strength.