Practice

The house is quiet today.  Spring break is over, so everyone is back at school.  John went back to work today.  I am home alone, just me and the dogs.  It is good to be alone.  I have loved having everyone around, waiting on me hand and foot since my surgery.  But it has been easy to fall into the role of the invalid – asking others to do what I am perfectly capable of doing for myself.  This role, for me, inevitably leads to feeling sorry for myself.  I am glad to be alone, to fend for myself, before that feeling could creep in.  I gave myself my eye drops for the first time.  It is quite a challenge to hold an invisible bottle over my eye and get an invisible drop to go in the right place.  I did it though.  Small accomplishments are very encouraging right now.

I am still completely blind in my left eye.  I had read that the bubble would start to get smaller after a couple of days, but I still don’t find any edge to it.  It  still takes up my entire field of vision.  Last night, I took out my right contact (the only one I’m wearing since my surgery) and put on my glasses.  For some reason, I thought the glasses would bring my left eye into focus, but there was no change.  The left lens, which is very powerful, didn’t make any difference at all.  I found this a little disturbing.

The good news is that my doctor says that I don’t have to stay “head down” as much anymore.  This is a huge relief.  I still have to take it easy – no lifting or cleaning – and I have to be careful not to get any dust in my eye.  It is good to be free of obsessing about my head down time.

One lesson I am learning is that it is okay to slow down.  Everything I try to do takes an extra-long time.  I have to be careful when I walk, when I go up or down the stairs, when I reach for something.  My depth perception is way off, perhaps nonexistent, so it feels like I am doing everything in slow motion.  My goal is to learn to enjoy this slowness, to savor the time I take to do each task.  I already believe in the importance of mindfulness, of careful focus on the task at hand.  This is my opportunity to practice mindfulness.  This is my chance to put some effort into practicing what I believe.  I am blessed to have lots of time, right now, to practice.

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