Bumps and Bruises

I fell down the stairs this morning.  I’ve become so used to moving without being able to see that I forgot to be careful.  I misjudged a step and down I tumbled.  I only fell three or four steps, but it scared me.  John and Sam and the dogs came running.  I started crying.  All the fear and worry and self-pity and pain that I’ve been holding inside since my surgery came pouring out of me.  Tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop for a long time.  In the end, I felt cleansed.  Maybe I needed an opportunity to acknowledge those negative feelings.  I have been hiding them in my efforts to always appear positive.  That negative energy is gone now, along with my tears.  All that remains is a little twinge of pain in my ankle to remind me to be more careful next time.

My vision in my left eye is changing.  The bubble is now taking up about half of the eye and is still dark and opaque.  The eye itself still aches most of the time, especially after I put in my drops.  My head hurts.  Tylenol is my best friend.  The improvement is steady, though.  I can tell that my vision is returning.  I can begin to make out shapes through the part of the eye above the bubble.  I can tell that my brain is trying to make sense of what the eye is seeing.  I have more energy.  I feel very hopeful for a positive outcome from the Vitrectomy.

I have not left our property in over a week.  I haven’t put on a pair of shoes in over a week.  I have ventured out on the porch and into the back yard, with my protective sunglasses to guard against sun glare and dust, but I have not gone farther than our property line.  I feel safe in our house, on our porch, in our yard.  While it is good to have a safety net, I have to be careful not to be afraid to leave.  I don’t want to start dreading the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone.  Tomorrow, I will go to my retina specialist for a follow-up visit about my surgery.  That will be a good first step out into the world.  Taking one step at a time, soon I will be back into a normal routine.  I have to admit, I am a little afraid of leaving our property and reentering the world, the same way that I am a little afraid of falling down the stairs again.  But, I wouldn’t let my fear of falling keep me from moving from floor to floor in my house.  And I’m not going to let my fear of leaving the safety of our house and yard isolate me and keep me from traveling out into the world.  A few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay in order to see the beauty and grace present out there.

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12 thoughts on “Bumps and Bruises

  1. Hi Beautiful! What a great site, thank you for letting me know about it and your generosity and kindness to share so much of yourself with all of us. It is a real blessing to read your words and develope a better understanding of the various emotions you encounter associated with blindness. While your eye my have some difficulty, it is clear your heart doesn’t! God Bless!

    • You know, Kevin, the best thing about writing this blog is connecting and reconnecting with wonderful people. Thank you so much for your kind words. You made my day!

  2. Sometimes a good cry really can make you feel better. I’m glad that the fall wasn’t worse.

    And good for you for overcoming your fears and getting back out in the world. You are a very brave lady.

    • Oh, Susie, you are my Birthday List hero! If only I had known how long it would take to get each thing crossed off, I wouldn’t have made my list so long. (I would have pretended I was younger.) Thanks for the nice words.

  3. Thank you for sharing the fullness of your experience. As the wise saying goes, being brave doesn’t mean you don’t feel fear – it’s living and moving along with it. Love you!

  4. Dear Belinda,

    I am so grateful that John sent me a link to your blog today. I read several of your entries this morning, and am really touched by your reflections and photos. Thank you for sharing your graced journey with us. You have put me in touch with my own insightful time, when I was passing through an emotional illness that connected me deeply to our God. May you continue to know you are embraced by God, and delight in positive energy. With prayer ~ Penny

    • Penny – I’m so glad that you read more than one post. How embarrassing if you only read the one where I had a temper tantrum! Thanks for reading and thanks for your kind words. Belinda

  5. A good session of lying on the bed, crying while kicking the bed with your legs (think temper tantrum) always leaves you feeling drained, but renewed. My therapist taught me that trick when I was mad about being sick all the time. You’re right about the negative energy – it can really drag you down. And who says you have to be positive all the time? Negative thoughts are needed for proper balance and appreciation – remember there are two sides to everything and if we ignore one, we topple over!

    • You are right, Sue. I feel so much better now that I have allowed those negative feelings to emerge so that I could release them. I am starting to think that you and I have a lot in common.

  6. Belinda, We are getting daily updates on your progress. Really sorry about the fall this morning and, thank God, that it wasn’t worse. You sure are putting the good fight. You are in my heart and prayer!

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