I fell down the stairs this morning. I’ve become so used to moving without being able to see that I forgot to be careful. I misjudged a step and down I tumbled. I only fell three or four steps, but it scared me. John and Sam and the dogs came running. I started crying. All the fear and worry and self-pity and pain that I’ve been holding inside since my surgery came pouring out of me. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop for a long time. In the end, I felt cleansed. Maybe I needed an opportunity to acknowledge those negative feelings. I have been hiding them in my efforts to always appear positive. That negative energy is gone now, along with my tears. All that remains is a little twinge of pain in my ankle to remind me to be more careful next time.
My vision in my left eye is changing. The bubble is now taking up about half of the eye and is still dark and opaque. The eye itself still aches most of the time, especially after I put in my drops. My head hurts. Tylenol is my best friend. The improvement is steady, though. I can tell that my vision is returning. I can begin to make out shapes through the part of the eye above the bubble. I can tell that my brain is trying to make sense of what the eye is seeing. I have more energy. I feel very hopeful for a positive outcome from the Vitrectomy.
I have not left our property in over a week. I haven’t put on a pair of shoes in over a week. I have ventured out on the porch and into the back yard, with my protective sunglasses to guard against sun glare and dust, but I have not gone farther than our property line. I feel safe in our house, on our porch, in our yard. While it is good to have a safety net, I have to be careful not to be afraid to leave. I don’t want to start dreading the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone. Tomorrow, I will go to my retina specialist for a follow-up visit about my surgery. That will be a good first step out into the world. Taking one step at a time, soon I will be back into a normal routine. I have to admit, I am a little afraid of leaving our property and reentering the world, the same way that I am a little afraid of falling down the stairs again. But, I wouldn’t let my fear of falling keep me from moving from floor to floor in my house. And I’m not going to let my fear of leaving the safety of our house and yard isolate me and keep me from traveling out into the world. A few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay in order to see the beauty and grace present out there.