What a long, strange week I have had. I have tried to navigate the agency system to get some assistance so that I can keep doing my secretarial job. I know that there is help out there, but it is a struggle to figure out what I need, where I can get help, what programs I am eligible for, and exactly how the agencies work. My entire life, I have usually been in the role of helper and being the person asking for help has really opened my eyes to how humiliating some of these processes are.
It has also been a hard week because I have made a very difficult decision. I have decided to leave my Youth Minister job. Many factors have gone into this decision and I know that I am doing the best thing for myself and for the teens. Still, this is a huge loss for me and I am grieving it deeply. I love my teens so much and will miss my role with them terribly.
It’s hard to even continue this post after that last paragraph. The decision has been made. The letter of resignation has been turned in. I talked with my pastor this morning. The teens and families have been notified. Still, it does not seem real that I have left this position that has been such a big part of my life for three years. When I try to console myself, all I can come up with are the most trite sayings – When one door closes, another one opens. God never gives us more than we can bear. Every cloud has a silver lining. All woefully inadequate sayings that I would never use when ministering with someone else.
So, what is the grace in this situation? What is the insight I can gain from this loss? I know that my compassion for others is growing by leaps and bounds. I am learning to be much more gentle with others and give people the benefit of the doubt, since I have no idea what burdens they may be carrying. I am learning to be more gentle with myself, recognizing that my limitations are not something to condemn myself for. And, I recognize that the saying is true. With the closing of this door, another one will open. There will be an opening to allow in new life. By letting go of a job that I really am unable to do any longer, I am making space for something to come along that I will be able to do. And, in the meantime, I will take the time I need to heal and re-energize and come to terms with this new step in my journey. And, maybe, figure out how I can get an agency to assist me, so that I can keep working at my other job.