Writing this blog has been very therapeutic for me. I am able to explore my thoughts and feelings about my loss of vision. By writing about what is going on in my life, I am reminded to search for God’s grace in every situation. My family and friends can read about my journey here and understand me better. Through writing this blog, I also am able to connect with other people who have low vision. I feel very supported by the online low-vision community. My dream is that I can offer other people hope and support on their own journeys. I hope that I can show people (including myself) that most situations hold a blessing, if we can only find it.
Sometimes, when I sit down to write, negative thoughts come screaming into my mind. I question whether I have anything of value to say. I ask myself why anyone would want to read my silly words. I devalue my words, my thoughts, my experiences, my self. I force myself to stop thinking this way. It helps to think of a short scripture:
Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. —Romans 12:2
I know that I can not allow negative thoughts to stay in my mind. I like to imagine myself physically picking up each negative thought and throwing it away. Fears, low self-esteem, self doubts, negative self talk, and anxieties are destructive and they have to go. Once I get rid of all the negativity, I imagine my mind as a blank canvas. Then, I begin to paint good, positive, beautiful thoughts on that canvas. Scripture passages, inspirational quotes, acknowledging moments of grace in my own life, and counting blessings all renew my mind and transform my thoughts from negative to positive.
It is so important, as I travel this journey, to stop negative thoughts as soon as I notice them. If I allow them to take over, self-pity sets in and a negative spiral will begin. It’s as if my mind is a garden full of beautiful flowers. Negative thoughts are little weeds that crop up in the garden. The more I allow negative thoughts to plant themselves in my mind, the deeper they root themselves in my heart, and the harder the weeds are to uproot. This is dangerous for anyone, but for a person on a journey to an unknown destination, these weeds can become a real problem as they choke out life. The bigger they grow, the harder it is to see the beautiful flowers. If I pull the weeds the minute I begin to see them, they are much easier to get rid of.
For me, writing this blog is one of the greatest joys of my journey. I think that’s why there are so many insecurities wrapped up in the process of writing it. It’s really important that, as soon as self-doubts about my writing show themselves, I remind myself of this scripture. I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I want my garden to be free of weeds and full of beautiful flowers.