Tomorrow I will get another injection of Avastin in my right eye. I should be used to it by now. I think this is my thirteenth or fourteenth shot. When I was getting them every few weeks, it was easier to keep in mind that they are not that bad. Now, though, it has been about twelve weeks since my last one and I am filled with anxiety and dread.
I have so many questions that I want to ask my retina specialist tomorrow. I don’t understand what is going on with my vision. I still have not seen him since I had the PAM and LI tests. Although he explained the results to me over the phone, I am dissatisfied with the vagueness of his answers. I wish I could make him give me definite answers, but I expect that I will not be able to pin him down. He will say that tests are inconclusive, that there is an unexplained reason for the continuing vision loss, that the pictures of my retina look good, that there is a cataract but it is not causing the problem.
Most of the time, I don’t think about the “why” of my vision deterioration. I don’t worry about what may happen in the future. Tonight, though, with tomorrow’s injection looming, I am searching for answers. What is going on? What, exactly, is my diagnosis? What can I expect? Will these shots go on forever? Is there anything else he can try? Simple questions, but no simple answers.
Does it matter? Do I have to understand the diagnosis and the prognosis, or is it enough to learn to accept and deal with the present situation? I am lucky, because I know that, when a retina specialist says, “There is nothing more that can be done,” it only means that there is nothing that can be done medically. It does not mean that there are not things that can be done through vision rehab to help me cope with low vision. It does not mean that I am alone in this uncertain terrain. It does not mean that there is no hope.
I will try to get some answers tomorrow. I will do my best to really listen to what he is saying. I will try to understand what I can expect in the future. Whether I am satisfied with the answers or not, I know that I will have people and resources to help me cope with my low vision – where it is now ans wherever it may lead me in the future. I do not have to be afraid of anything. Not of the Avastin injection in the eye. Not of the unknown. Not of the future.