The first thing I want to do in today’s post is defend my retina specialist. My rs is wonderful and brilliant and kind and patient. I trust him with my eyes one hundred percent. My uncertainty about what is happening with my vision is NOT because he does not take enough time to answer my questions. It is because, when I am in the office, I forget to ask my questions OR I can’t remember what he said once I leave. He always takes all the time I need. If he hesitates to give me information, it is only because tests have been inconclusive.
That being said, today’s visit really gave me no answers. He took scans of both retinas and the scans looked good. But, my vision has deteriorated significantly. I tested 20/200 in my left eye and 20/60 in my right eye (with contacts on). My left eye, especially, is much worse than it has been. There is really no clear reason for this. But, he did come up with a plan for me. First, I am going to get my contact and glasses prescription checked. It would be wonderful if the low vision test is caused, at least in part, by incorrect correction. I don’t really believe that this is the problem, but I am willing to give it a try. Then, we are going to revisit the question of whether the cataract needs to be removed. The PAM and LI tests showed that the cataract is not the problem, but he is thinking that the tests may not be totally accurate because of the severity of my myopia. If it is not the cataract, then he will look into more obscure causes. He advised me to not think ahead, but just take things one step at a time.
My rs reminded me that my eyes are not normal, and so tests may not give accurate results and we don’t know what the future may hold for my vision. I can accept that. I trust that he will monitor my eyesight every step of the way and give me the best care I can receive. After we talked about my left eye for most of the visit, he gave me the good news. My right eye is looking great and he did not believe that I needed an injection. Hooray! It is great news that my vision in that eye has stabilized and I need those injections less and less frequently. So, I went into the appointment worrying about my right eye and ended up spending almost the entire appointment talking about my left eye. It shows me, once again, that worrying is needless and does no good. All my worrying did was cause me to have a sleepless night and a day filled with anxiety. I should have saved myself the worry.
I realize tonight that I should have looked up some thought conditioners last night when I was having trouble sleeping. I could have reminded myself of one of these:
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. —John 14:27
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. —II Timothy 1: 7
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. —Psalm 46:1
Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. —Joshua 1:9
If I had taken a little time to meditate on any one of these verses, I know I would have let my anxiety slip away and I would have fallen peacefully to sleep. I want to meditate on these verses now, so that they come to mind the next time I am worried. If I get these little scriptures into my mind, then next time, I won’t waste time by allowing myself to become full of anxiety. Next time, I will trust in the goodness of grace. Next time, I will remind myself that I am never alone.