To Blog Or Not To Blog

This morning, I checked my various emails and messages and found that several of my “blog friends” had written to make sure I was okay.  They were worried because I did not post anything last night.  I guess they see me as being reliable with my daily posts.  I rarely miss a day, mostly because I find my writing to be very therapeutic.  But, last night I did not post.

I could say that I did not post because I was having computer problems.  It is true that my computer is acting up and every task takes longer than anticipated.  I could say that I had nothing to write about.  This is not exactly true.  I started a post about my children, a post about my dogs, a post about a scripture that I find helpful.  I wrote a couple of paragraphs on each of these topics, then reconsidered and deleted the posts.

What really kept me from posting was that I have been feeling very troubled by my visit with my eye doctor on Monday.  Hearing that my vision has deteriorated so much in the month since I saw my Retina Specialist gives me a worried feeling that I just can’t seem to shake.  Last night, as I was attempting to write my post, I was not ready to admit that I have been feeling really worried and sad.  I could not even begin to approach this topic within myself, and so I could not seem to make any satisfactory words flow from my fingers to the keyboard and onto my blog.

This morning, I canceled a Mobility Training session with Kasey.  I was not even honest with him about why I was canceling.  I did not tell him that I am sad and overwhelmed by this continuing deterioration.  I could have shared these feelings with him, because he would have understood, but I had not come to terms with them.  It was only after I hung up from talking with him that I realized why I could not face the session.  It was the same reason I could not write a post last night.

I thought all day today about the possible reasons for canceling that session and about not writing last night.  I finally realized that I have to be honest with myself about my feelings.  Even though my journey into low vision has been filled with blessings, I was thinking that I had arrived at a plateau.  I wanted to rest a while at one level of vision, before I travel further down the road to lower vision.  For a while, things seemed to have stabilized.  I have not needed a shot of Avastin in months.  My retina scans look great.  I was looking forward to staying stable.  Hearing that the eye doctor thinks removing the cataract will improve my vision did not fill me with hope.  I heard his hesitation when I ask how good my vision will be after the cataract is removed.  I understand that there is more than one problem occurring with my eyesight.  I keep reminding myself that my corrected vision in my left eye is only 20/400.  I feel sad.

So, last night, I did not write a post.  I could not deal with my feelings until I had admitted them to myself.  Now that I have acknowledged these sad feelings, I can begin to move forward.  Yes, it is too bad that my vision has not stabilized.  Yes, the future is unknown.  Yes, it is normal to feel sad and worried and frustrated.  Acknowledging all of this today has been very freeing.  I can look at my feelings and accept them and accept myself for having them.  And, I can decide that I do not have to let my feelings rule my actions.  I can continue to learn to cope with my vision loss.  I can continue to believe that, despite vision loss, my life is very wonderful.  I can be thankful for the many, many blessings that I have, instead of dwelling on this one area of sadness.  I can choose to think about all the good that has come from this journey, the lessons that I have learned that I might not have learned any other way.

And this is positive attitude is the option I choose.  Once I acknowledged my feelings and accepted them, I could sense a real change in myself.  It was as if a burden had been lifted from me.  The world turned from bleak and gray to cheerful and colorful pretty quickly.  I really changed my attitude.  I even had a wonderful gift.  One of my friends from work came to see me.  She told me that she has been reading my blog and loves my photos.  She told me that she feels inspired (by me) to take a class in photography and start working on her photography.  That really made my day.  The conversation made me think about the fact that without my vision loss, I would not have known that  blind photography existed.  I would probably not have started a blog.  I would not have inspired my friend.  I would not have had people contacting me to say that they missed my post for yesterday.  Yes, my vision loss is sad, but it has brought so much joy into my life that the sadness is left behind in the dust.  So, thank you to those who wrote me to say they missed my post.  And thank you to Kasey who made me reschedule right away for next week.  And thank you to Christy who told me that I have inspired her.  And, I even have to say, thank you to my eyesight for the many, many wonderful blessings it has brought into my life.


13 thoughts on “To Blog Or Not To Blog

  1. I just found your blog from the Vision Aware website. Your writing is beautiful and honest. If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to about visual impairment, etc., I’m downstairs in the C&T area. Hugs.

  2. Pingback: Talking About Health; Why Health Communication Matters » How does bad news about our health affect us?

  3. I have not posted to you in awhile but I want you to know that I am still “by your side” and totally understand why you didn’t post. You can’t always be at your best or always be positive. Sometimes it seems impossible. By posting your feelings as you did today it shows your true emotions as a human being. Do I understand about the vision deterioration? Oh yeah you KNOW I do. Sometimes I put my blinders on as I call it trying not to deal with it but as you know it is always there. Yes many do rely, including me, on your blog to help us understand what may or may not be in store for us or our loved ones but sometimes YOU need someone to rely on when the going gets exceptionally tough. That is what we are here for. To let you know that you are human, honest, caring and that you are loved. I am still forever in your corner Belinda. You know that dear friend. (Big Hugs as Always!)

    • Oh, Pam, thank you so much. I do always know that you are out there wishing me the best. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for being in my corner. (Hugs back to you!)

  4. Belinda,
    I started following your blog just a few weeks ago, because my sister (who is experiencing vision loss) suggested it to me. She has been following your posts and felt that I would enjoy them too. She was so right!! In the short time that I have followed your blog, I have gained so much. You have provided insight into what my sister might be experiencing, as well as, obtaining courage to follow my dreams with passion…just to name a few.
    Thank you for sharing your gifts with the rest of us….and please….keep blogging!!

    • It is comments like yours that make me glad that I write my blog. I am so thankful that you took the time to write this. You made my day. I hope that you continue to find my blog helpful and i will work to make it the best I can. Keep following your dreams!

  5. Feeling discouraged, afraid and sad are just as valid an experience as optimism and all the rest. It sounds like you gave yourself permission to sit with the sadness and accept your full range of emotions.

    • You are right. Once I acknowledged and accepted my feelings, I actually was able to embrace them. Actually, by the end of the post I was in a place of accepting myself. Thank you for your wisdom.

  6. I don’t really know what to say! Except you are brave,kind and a gifted writer! I enjoy everything you write and its wonderful to read first thing in the morning your wonderful words.
    Keep strong Belinda you are very special!

    • Oh, my goodness, you are so very kind. I appreciate your support. The sadness has passed away now and I am feeling so much stronger. Thank you for your encouragement and friendship.

  7. Belinda, it’s hard to feel that I can write any words that might offer you comfort. I was sad for you when I read this blog just now. Perhaps I can offer this – give yourself permission to feel sad. You have good reason. I am pretty sure I speak for lots of us when I say that your coming to ABVI has been a gift for many of us. I can say that for me. You inspire every day. I talked with you so much today and I would not have known you felt sad. I feel bad that I couldn’t sense that or that you might need a “shoulder” and I wasn’t there. Your blog tonight reminds me that I don’t put others first at so many times when perhaps I should. Thank you for your raw honesty, it is truly a gift.

    • Rosemarie, I kept these feelings hidden even from myself. You could not have known they were there before I discovered them. It took me some time to acknowledge that the doctor visit put me into a funk. As soon as I wrote about my feelings, and accepted them, they began to fade. Thank you for your friendship and your kindness.

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