Step By Step

I have taken another step on the journey to low vision.  This time, it’s a bittersweet loss.  A cloud with a silver lining.  Since John and I were married, paying the bills has been my responsibility.  At first, I wrote out each and every check.  These days, though, I pay them through an online service at my credit union.  Very simple and fast.

Except that last month, I paid one bill for a current credit card to a credit card we don’t have any more.  Then, this week, as I was opening the bills, I found not one, not two, but THREE bills that I had overpaid.  And, I paid the wrong amount on another bill.  Aargh!  I have to admit that it is necessary for me to give up this task.  John and I talked about it and have decided that he is going to take over the bill-paying from now on.

I don’t mind, really.  Twenty-six years is long enough to do a task.  Still, I hate to admit that there is one more thing that is just too difficult for me to do.  I could continue, and try to be more careful, but the task has become so stressful.  Bills are difficult to read.  The online bill-pay screen is difficult to read.  I put amounts in the wrong little boxes, or I put the wrong amount in the boxes, and bills are paid incorrectly.  As long as John is willing to take this on, I am relieved to be free from the stress of this task.

So, it is with mixed emotions that I give up this task.  Sad to give up another piece of “normalcy” but happy to be free from the stress of worrying about making mistakes.  Thankful to have a husband who is willing to pick up the slack when things get hard.  I have to remind myself that I do not receive my identity from the things that I accomplish.  Giving up a task does not diminish my value.  Perhaps this step on my journey to low vision living will be like all the others that preceded it.  With each step, so far, grace and blessings have been poured out on me.  As I take this step into the unknown cloud, I will trust that the silver lining will be revealed to me.  As I give up this task, I will keep my eyes and heart open for the blessing that I know will arrive.

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8 thoughts on “Step By Step

  1. I know first hamd how difficult it can be to gradually lose vision over time. It can be an extremely scarey and frustrating process, losing the ability to do things we once took for granted. That doesn’t always have to be the case, however. Not saying you should start doing the bills again, but did you ever contact your bank, or utility companies to see if they had low-vision accessable alternatives to their billing methods? Also, working with local, regional or federal independant living organizations can often lead to tips. tricks, methods or products that can help you regain or continue to enjoy activities that are becoming more difficult.

    As I like to say at BrighterNights.org, just because we might be blind or vision impaired does NOT mean we’re disabled. We just observe the world a little differently.

    • Thank you for the comment. I never thought of asking for accessible billing methods or payment methods, but that is a good idea. I agree that visual impairment is more of an opportunity than a disability. I usually try to learn new ways of doing tasks before giving up on them. In this case, we decided that it was best for us to shift this responsibility to my husband for now. It’s all about balance and I have other, more pressing worries right now. Good luck with your website.

  2. I completely agree with Marge’s response…there is no doubt that you will quickly fill up that time doing something else that will benefit your family or others. Remember- with no change there can be no growth- We will be all waiting to read in your blog how you decided to fill up this time :):)

    • Thanks, Becky. I’m sure whatever it is will be a surprise even to me. God has such a great way of bringing joy into my life when I am least expecting it. Thanks for the encouragement and the kind words.

  3. Maybe John could swap you for a job he has done all these years that he would like to turn over to you. I don’t have anything in mind but I was thinking if every time you had to give something up you took on something new to take it’s place it might be kind of neat. It would be more of a give and take instead of a loss.

    Another idea is that while John is working on the bills you can use that time to plan your next family event, work on your dream journal or work on your blog. These are all new activities you have taken on since your vision loss. They take time and energy so maybe you are meant to focus on these things at this stage of your journey instead of some of your previous duties.

    Not to take away from your loss in any way but there is a time and place for everything. Activities come and go in our lives. I think the key is to find the grace in what you are called to do in the now. Belinda, you are doing that in so many ways each and every day. God Bless You!

    • Marge, I actually don’t mind this one too much. I probably will write my blog while John is paying the bills, since it seems like it has become the main focus of my free time. I do enjoy writing so much. Thanks for the support and encouragement. I love you.

  4. I’m sorry. I know I would find it difficult to let go of one of my “duties” and responsibilities.
    But perhaps this is just step in the process of letting go and trusting God and others. I pray that when I face such situations – as I’m sure I will – I might handle them with the grace you have shown.

    • Thank you, Lee. It’s not as hard as some things but each step along this journey brings new revelations. God’s grace is everywhere and I don’t want to miss any of the beauty by complaining too much. I have so much to be grateful for. Thanks for the nice comment.

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