In December, I visited my retina specialist. My vision had deteriorated quite a bit since my previous appointment in September. He seemed perplexed. My retina scans looked good and my vision deterioration was not easily explained. He sent me to my optometrist, hoping that a change in prescription could bring the world a little back into focus for me. In January, my optometrist checked my eyes and the verdict was that he could improve my correction in my right eye a bit but could not do anything for my left eye. My corrected vision that day was 20/100 in my right eye and 20/400 in my left eye.
Today, I went back to my retina specialist. The tech tested my eyes. My vision tested 20/200 in my right eye and 20/400 in my left eye. The rs sent me across the hall for retina scans. They were fine. He tested my vision himself. Same result. He checked my cataract. Not bad enough to be causing all this trouble. We talked. We joked around. But we didn’t come up with any answers. Finally, he decided to send me back to the Eye Center for another PAM and LI test. Aaaargh. The last time I had these tests, they determined that removing the cataract will not improve my vision.
I feel very frustrated. It just doesn’t seem right that my vision keeps getting worse and worse and worse for no apparent reason. In the day to day, it doesn’t matter. I get along great with my vision where it is now and it doesn’t matter what is causing my vision problems. But when I am sitting in that doctor’s office, it becomes important that I get some answers. How can my eyes appear to be (almost) perfectly fine and yet they don’t work properly. My “why” is not a question of “How can this happen to me?” It’s more the question “What is going on?” and leads to “What can I expect in the future?” I believe that I can handle whatever happens but I want to KNOW what is going to happen.
So, tonight, I am praying for the ability to give up my need to be in control of this situation. I want to be willing to let it take me wherever it will. Every step so far has been an opportunity to learn and to grow and to find grace. I have to believe that there are more blessings to come. I pray that I am strong enough to embrace all the experiences that are still to come on this journey. I hope that my eyes remain open to all the beauty in the world.