I learned a lot about myself today. I have some deeply ingrained habits that are not helpful to my physical or emotional health and I need to break them. I discovered today just how much a part of me they are.
I have been reading a book about making the best use of my personal energy in all parts of my life. I realized, while reading it, that I do not use good self-care to recover my energy. The major activity I have always chosen for self-care is rest. Sleep has been my restorative choice. This book suggested that there are other forms of self-care that might actually help me manage my energy better. Knowing that I usually turn to sleep when stressed or weary, I thought that I might try some new strategies.
I have already begun one new strategy. I have been exercising. Walking on the treadmill, riding a stationery bike, and taking yoga classes have been very good for me. Even though I have a long way to go, I can already feel some changes in my body. Since this is going so well, I thought I might try something else new.
I scheduled some beauty treatments for myself today. I made an appointment for a haircut and, while I was at it, also scheduled a manicure. This was a much bigger step than I anticipated. In the past, I have taken a kind of pride in neglecting my appearance. I have been known to proudly go up to two years without a haircut. My reasoning has been that what is going on inside me is more important than what I look like on the outside. Beauty products and services seemed frivolous and unnecessary, especially during times when money has been tight. I did not look down on other women who took care of themselves, but thought that such luxuries were not for me. Since I have been working, I have tried to keep myself presentable, but only with the most basic regimen – infrequent hair cuts, inexpensive hair products, very little makeup, and certainly no nail polish.
The book made me think that setting up some self-care rituals would really help me renew my energy, and so I made my appointment for today. I was looking forward to a little pampering, but when I arrived at the salon, a little, negative, self-bashing voice began to chatter. “You do not belong here.” “What a waste of time.” “Look at the money you are spending.” “You should have waited a couple more weeks to get your hair cut.” “You will just ruin your manicure in a day or two.” “You won’t even look good when you are done.” “Why bother?”
It was a really, really hard day. It made me think about why I have made neglecting myself such a virtue. I have become some sort of martyr, thinking that I am honorable because I don’t spend time or money on myself. I have developed a skewed view of my own sacrifices. Because I have seen self-care as a vice, my body has learned to crave the only restorative method I have allowed – sleep. Too much sleep at the wrong times has actually sapped my energy. Now that I am learning to exercise, I am learning that I don’t need to sleep as much. My eyes are being opened to wonderful methods of self-care that I have ignored for most of my life.
Today, as I listened to my inner critic, I decided not to let this critical inner beast rule my behaviors. I did try to figure out where that voice was coming from and why I have placed such a high value on self-denial. As I sat in the chair, getting my manicure, the woman doing my nails had to keep telling me to relax. Relax, relax, relax. When I was getting my hair washed, the woman told me to relax as she was giving me a scalp massage. Relax, relax, relax. That word became my mantra for the day. Relax, I told my inner voice. I need to restore my energy. I need to take care of myself. It’s okay that I am doing this. Relax.
By the time I left the salon, I had a big smile on my face. I felt as though I had left a pile of tension on the floor with my hair clippings. My nails were beautiful. My hands, neck and shoulders were relaxed. I felt good. I have to think some more about why I am so hard on myself when it comes to self-care. I hope to find some self-care rituals that don’t get that inner voice chattering. Until I do, I am going to take care of myself even if it means telling my inner critic to relax.
I’m glad you took the time (and money!) to pamper yourself. Women (mothers) seem to neglect this so often. I can’t wait to read that book!!!!
Thanks, Rosemarie.
Hi, I enjoyed reading your blog. I also am a legally blind person. I would like to talk with someone that has the same issue.
Hi Teresa. I am glad you found my blog and commented. I would love to talk with you. We can chat through the comments on this blog or you may email me at bbrasley@yahoo.com if you would prefer to talk more privately.
I loved this post! Scalp massages are the best! That’s honestly my favorite part of getting a haircut. Even if I don’t need to have my hair washed, I’ll pay those few extra dollars to get that relaxing treatment. I’m glad you enjoyed your pampering.
Alexis, you are right. Scalp massages are heavenly!