It has been a few days since I have written a post. The past few days have been very busy and filled with stress. Taken one at a time, the stresses would not have bothered me, but taken all together, I have been feeling quite overwhelmed. The end of the day has found me with no energy to write combined with a dismal sense that I have nothing worthwhile to say.
I miss writing my blog, though. Writing my thoughts and feelings down helps me sort things out. I am an introvert, which means I process my thoughts and feelings mostly internally. Writing helps me move toward acceptance and understanding and peace. My extrovert friends sometimes say, “How do I know what I am thinking until I hear what I am saying?” This is not me. For the most part, I don’t like to say anything until I have thought it through. Writing is somehow different from talking. When my thoughts are tangled up like pieces of yarn, writing helps me untangle them and weave a tapestry. Then I can stand back and see and understand.
The last few days, though, there has been no energy for writing. There has been no time for dreaming. There has been no cloth upon which to work a tapestry. Until tonight. Tonight, finally, my mind turned to the beautiful words of Psalm 139.
O LORD, you have probed me, you know me:
you know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar.
My travels and my rest you mark; with all my ways you are familiar.
Even before a word is on my tongue, LORD, you know it all.
Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is beyond me, far too lofty for me to reach.
Where can I hide from your spirit? From your presence, where can I flee?
If I ascend to the heavens, you are there; if I lie down in Sheol, you are there too
If I fly with the wings of dawn and alight beyond the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely darkness shall hide me, and night shall be my light” –
Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one.
You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew;
my bones were not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.
How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them!
Were I to count, they would outnumber the sands; to finish, I would need eternity.
Probe me, God, know my heart; try me, know my concerns.
See if my way is crooked, then lead me in the ancient paths.
I read this psalm a few times tonight and I could feel it calming me. This psalm always makes me feel so loved – loved beyond anything I could do to deserve it. Loved from before I was born. Loved for who I am and for who I am going to be. My thoughts focused on these words in particular:
How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them! Were I to count, they would outnumber the sands; to finish, I would need eternity.
Even though our family is in a stressful time right now, I can have faith that God has great dreams for us. That gives me a sense of peace, but also a sense of hope and excitement about the future. I would need all of eternity to count the plans God has in store.