Yesterday, I was sitting in my office and the strangest feeling came over me. I was having trouble identifying exactly how I was feeling, so I sat and tried to explore what the feeling was. I thought about times I had felt that way before and what I might have called it in the past. I relaxed and spent some time just experiencing my feeling, quietly living with it.
Finally, I realized that my feeling was….happy. I was feeling happy. Completely, utterly, peacefully, simply happy.
How strange, I thought, that this feeling was taking me by surprise.
I have tried to talk to a few people about my feeling. One person responded right away that everything in my life must be great right now. The truth is, everything isn’t perfect in my life. I have some things that I am really struggling with. Still, in the face of these struggles, I found myself feeling so very happy.
All last night and through the day today, the happy feeling has persisted. It strikes me as odd that it is so hard for me to just accept the feeling. I keep asking myself why I am so happy. I came up with a list of reasons, but as I looked at the list, I realized that I have had all of these before and still not felt happy.
Is it because I have been working on trying to see grace everywhere, in every day? Is it because I have a sense of mission in my job and my marriage and my family? Is it because I trust that God will help me to get through any struggles that I face? Have I reached some sort of tipping point, where I have been practicing all of these things for so long that they finally sunk in?
The truth is, I don’t know why I am so happy. It is a wonderful feeling. I am not grasping it, clawing at it, trying to make it stay. I am merely welcoming it, experiencing it, enjoying it, and feeling it linger. I have a sense that, when it leaves, I will release it easily. I will be better for having experienced it fully.
Something in me has changed.