I went to see the Retina Specialist today. I was not expecting good news. I have had a course of treatment with Avastin shots over the last several months, at first, it seemed as if my vision might be improving. Lately, though, i have noticed deterioration.
I had retina scans and then was prepped for another shot. I expressed my thought that the shots were not doing me any good. My doctor said that he was recommending “one final treatment.”
The deterioration is caused by scarring on my macula. There is really no further treat option at this time. I am not having active bleeding (which is a good thing) but am only experiencing the aftermath of old bleeds, plus damage done because my eye is so long.
My doctor reminded me that mine has always bern identified as a progressive condition. I am very thankful for the years of restored vision that the surgeries and Avastin treatments and prayers have given me. Now, I have to come to terms with the idea that my vision is not going to improve again, short of a miracle or a new medical discovery. I was at peace with low vision once before, but have become spoiled by my return to being fully sighted.
There is good news. I can still drive. My doctor is hesitant, but says that he trusts me to know if I need to stop. I am still able to do my job. I have tons of support from family and friends. Still, It was a hard day. I gave myself permission to have a short pity party. I treated myself gently today. I stayed home from work. I took a nap. My husband spent part of the day with me. He made me a nice lunch. We went for a nice walk in the park with our dogs.
Grace is at work in my heart. I know that many blessings can come from hardship and I pray that i can walk my path with faith and trust, wherever it leads. I know that this blog has given others hope and I thank those who have shared their stories with me and with each other. I turn to this blog again as a way to find strength and solidarity with the low-vision community and also as way to work through my feelings by writing and sharing them with others.
Losing Vision Gaining Insight 
I have found a movie that some might like to see. I received an email that us is suppose to be available on Netflix this October. It is called: going blind going forward. I have seen it already as it was available on line for a fee. It is a no nonsense message addressing what it is like to experience a loss of part or all of vision. I especially found it interesting as I struggled to define where I am on the spectrum of seeing.
Thanks, Buddy. I will look for it on Netflix in October.
In the retina practice I work for, many of the doctors switch drugs if Avastin doesn’t work you might get better results with Lucentis or Eylea or Oxurdex depending on diagnosis. Some patients do better with one drug vs another. Alas there are situations where these injections still don’t work and sometimes surgery is the answer and other times nothing helps. I will pray you find the right solution even if it means accepting your limatations. You seem to be at peace with that. I admire your fortitude.
I am having eye issues again myself, and in my ‘good” eye this time. I have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. Its very hard but I try to stay positive and when you wrote that you can still drive, that is something that I think I worry about the most is losing the ability to drive. 5 years ago I used to drive people to doctor appointments and shopping many of those people needed the ride because they had lost their eyesight, it never dawned on me at that time that one day that could happen to me. Thank you for your blog It inspires me, blessings to you!
I understand. Before my surgeries, I was unable to drive for a couple of years. I am not looking forward to losing that privilege again. Although I did have some interesting times on the bus. 🙂
I know this news is very difficult to hear. I have wrestled with the same kind of issues with my sight. After six operations we managed to stabilize my eye. My doctor wants to do one more but I have decided to wait awhile preferring to hold on to what I have rather them take the chance of losing that. The sight that I have in that eye is useful for orientation but not much more. When the doctor told me I had a cataract forming in my good eye it felt like he was putting me on a timer. (The problems with my damaged Eye started with a cataract.)
Sometimes I think the feeling is similar to losing someone close to you. I know that we who are living at this time will not have it as bad as those who suffered the same even just 50 years ago. But, knowing that does not lessen our pain. You and I and others like us are going to pick up the pieces and we are going to find new ways of experiencing life. We’re going to make the best of it and were going to find joy in new ways. We can count it as a small favor that we are given time to do little things now to make larger transitions easier when the time comes. I hope that doesn’t sound like a negative thing to say. But, we will learn. We will be okay. We will bring the same personal traits to the new normal that we had before. The tears, anger, embarrassment, depression will eventually give way. they are only places that we must pass through until we find our place of acceptance and from there we can grow. I believe you are going to be okay.
Thanks for your kind words. I join in your belief that I am going to be okay.