Independence Day

On my birthday last February, my driver’s license expired.  There was no way I could renew it, because I could not pass the vision test.  Even though I had not driven in four months, I was very sad to let my license expire.  It was one thing to make a decision not to drive once I thought it was not safe, but it was quite another thing to no longer have a license.  Plus, on a couple of occasions, not having a valid driver’s license for identification caused a bit of a problem.

Since my birthday, I have had two cataract surgeries.  An artificial lens was inserted into each eye.  As my eyes healed, my distance vision got better and better.  I began to suspect that my vision might be good enough to pass the DMV vision test.  I knew I would still never drive, but I started to think that it might be interesting to see if I could get my license back.

In New York state, a person can renew a license for six months beyond the expiration date.  Longer than that, and a new road test must be taken.  My license expired on February 23, so I knew I had until August 23 to try to pass the vision test.  After work tonight, armed with my strongest reading glasses, John and I headed to the DMV office to try to renew my license.

When we arrived at the DMV, the line was out the door.  I had plenty of time to stand and consider whether my vision was going to be good enough to pass the test.  Person after person stepped up to the line and read the letters.  John even told me the letters on lines #1 and #2 (as if I could memorize them).  Finally, it was my turn.  Not knowing that this was a momentous occasion for me, the lady behind the counter seemed bored as she went through the steps of processing my license renewal.  Finally, I heard the fateful words, “Read the letters on line 6.”  I looked at the chart, squinted a little, and read the letters as best I could.  Apparently, I got them right, because her next words were, “Sign your name on this line.”

No time to celebrate.  Just time to get into a queue to pay for my license renewal.  Soon, I was called to the window  I turned over my paperwork, paid the fee, and received my paper temporary license.  I am now the proud holder of a New York state driver’s license.

Having a driver’s license will not change my life.  I still believe it would be unsafe for me to drive, and so I won’t get behind the wheel.  Still, having a license is nice.  Even though I won’t use it, I like having it.  It makes me feel normal.  My old normal used to mean being able to drive.  My new normal means keeping my valid driver’s license in my purse, right along with my ID cane.  I don’t use either of them, but each of them is a sign of independence – the license represents the independence of my past and the cane represents the independence of my future.  For the present, I like having them both within easy reach.

Learning Lessons

Today I met with Kasey for Mobility Training.  We were supposed to meet last week, but I canceled because I was dealing with feelings of sadness from my eye doctor appointment and the news that my vision had deteriorated again.  Over the course of the last few days, I have reconciled myself to the idea that my vision is not stable and decided to move forward with my life.  For a while, the option to remain stuck in self-pity and give up on learning to adapt had a certain appeal.  I was able to move beyond the self-pity eventually and eventually chose to restore my positive attitude and get on with my life.

Kasey was really excited about today’s lesson.  He told me a few times during the week that it was going to be fun.  This made me really nervous.  His idea of fun is encouraging me to go beyond my comfort zone and challenging me to learn new skills.  At least he promised that he would not make me use a cane this time.  I was sort of interested to see what he had planned.  The day looked pleasant enough from my window.  So, I bundled up and we headed out for a walk.  As we walked, we talked about how my bus travel has been going and I had to admit that I have been getting rides on the coldest days.  I don’t mind taking the bus, but I am a real baby about cold weather.

We walked up the street and he had me find the entrance to one of the buildings downtown.  He wanted me to find my way into and around an unfamiliar place.  We walked into a huge Atrium.  An amazing thing about this building is that is houses a piece of the Berlin wall.  Kasey asked me to find it in the room.  The room was actually a little hard to maneuver through, because there were tables and chairs scattered throughout and I had to weave around them to get to the sculpture.  I was successful, though, and found the wall. I was so disappointed that I didn’t have my camera with me.  I will have to go back.

The next part of our “scavenger hunt” was to locate a nearby sub shop.  Luckily, I was able to follow my nose to the source of a delicious fresh bread smell.  After the sub shop, we headed to the downtown branch of the Library.  I love the Library, but I have not been there in over a year.  I used to take our kids all the time and we would explore all the various sections, finding wonderful books and videos.  Since my vision started to deteriorate, I have avoided the library.  I just don’t see the point of being in a building full of books I can’t see well enough to read.  As soon as we walked in, I figured out why Kasey wanted part of our lesson to take place there.  The lighting was very inconsistent – super bright in some areas and very dim in others.  The carpet also has strange variations that make it hard to tell if a change in carpet color marks a step or a ramp or is just decorative.  We traveled up and down stairs and through hallways and into various rooms.  It was good to have someone with me while I was dealing with the lighting changes and unfamiliar terrain.  I realized that I rarely put myself into situations where I don’t know what to expect.  I hardly ever go anywhere new or unfamiliar.  Now that Kasey and I have “mapped out” the library, I think I would be willing to go there by myself.  Especially since it is so close to where I work.  When the weather is nicer, I can walk there on my lunch hour.

The best thing about Kasey as a Mobility Instructor is that he gives lots of confidence-boosting praise.  Even as I was gripping the railing while walking down the stairs at the library, he was telling me that I was doing a great job.  On our way back to the agency, he mentioned that he thought I was walking with a lot more confidence.  I have to agree that, even though my eyesight has deteriorated, I have learned to carry myself with a lot more confidence.  When I know where I am and what to expect, I walk quickly and assertively.  When I am in unfamiliar territory, I slow down but I try not to shuffle my feet or walk hesitantly.  All in all, I have picked up some great coping skills for traveling now that my vision is reduced.  There are more tools available when I need them, but for now I can travel very well by myself.